PARODY WEBSITE Independent parody — not the official Quarry Tap Room website and not affiliated with WWE, UFC, or any combat-sports promotion. Visit the real Quarry Tap Room ↗
The Quarry TAP OUTView the card
QTR PRESENTS

Hallowell's deepest fight card

Eat.Drink.Tap out.

A full-contact menu concept where pub classics enter the cage and only the hungriest contender walks out.

Meet the champion See the full fight card ↓
UndisputedQTap Out
Champion
Q
TO
122-ish pounds of appetiteHallowell, MaineOpening bell with every order
MAIN
EVENT

Repeat offender · unreasonably stacked

The Quarry
Tap Out

TWO PATTIESVSYOUR APPETITE

Named in several delicious incidents

12–0 by delicious stoppage

The plate escalated quickly.

Two smashed grass-fed beef patties, smoked gouda, sharp cheddar, hot-honey bacon, a beer-battered onion ring, shredded lettuce, pickles, and Quarry tap-out sauce on toasted brioche.

INCIDENT REPORT

The burger threw the first onion ring. Fries refused to cooperate.

$21
Enter the heavyweight division

Alley-tested · server-approved

Street
rules.

  1. 01
    Respect the corner crew.

    Your server has seen tougher tables than yours.

  2. 02
    Keep it off the pavement.

    The only takedowns here involve wings and cold beer.

  3. 03
    Settle beef on brioche.

    No actual fighting. This is a restaurant parody, champ.

REC

Quarry instant replay department

Cameras
don't lie.

The footage has been reviewed. Your appetite started it.

CAM 01 · FRONT DOOR
APPETITEVSBURGER

Two parties seen sizing each other up.

CAM 02 · TABLE 12
CONTACT!

Burger appears to have landed first.

CAM 03 · FRY STATION
EXHIBIT A

Several fries entered the altercation.

CAM 04 · FINAL ROUND
🏳TAP
CONFIRMED

A small white towel was recovered at the scene.

OFFICIAL RULING Appetite charged with starting something it couldn't finish. Fictional dramatization. No actual altercation occurred.

Tonight's contenders

10 divisions.
One appetite.

Pub favorites have been renamed, retrained, and cleared to compete after a brief altercation with the specials board. Prices are part of this fictional menu concept.

01Opening BellStarters · Round 1 ↘ 02Wing DivisionChoose your corner ↘ 03The Green CornerSalads · Soups · Recovery ↘ 04Heavyweight DivisionBurgers · Sandwiches · Main Event ↘ 05Tag-Team PizzasFresh dough · 12 inch ↘ 06Cage-Side ClassicsEntrées · Five rounds ↘ 07Protective GearMeals built to absorb punishment ↘ 08Medical SuspensionMeals the ringside doctor warned you about ↘ 09Rookie RumbleKids 12 & under · Future champions ↘ 010Final RoundDesserts · Tap respectfully ↘

Last call for sportsmanship

The bar has entered
the altercation.

A complete card of dirty tactics, cheap shots, foreign objects, and drinks that should have been stopped by the commission.

21+ ONLYFICTIONAL PRICESACTUAL GLASSWAREQUESTIONABLE INTENTIONS
⚠BARTENDER'S WARNING

The drinks are theatrical. The pours are normal. The bartender retains the right to call a responsible stoppage.

Signature cocktails · flagrant fouls

Dirty Tactics

House cocktails built to distract the referee and steal the round.
below the belt$15

The Low Blow

Rye whiskey, Maine maple, black-walnut bitters, orange, and smoked cinnamon.

TACTIC METER████░
vision impaired$14

Pocket Sand

Reposado tequila, pineapple, lime, habanero, agave, and smoked-salt half rim.

TACTIC METER███░░spicy
concealed flavor$16

The Brass Knuckle

Bourbon, dark amaro, black cherry, mole bitters, and one suspiciously large cube.

TACTIC METER█████
false confidence$15

Rope-A-Dope

Aged rum, banana, amaro, lime, brown sugar, and grated nutmeg.

TACTIC METER████░
herbal misconduct$14

The Eye Rake

Gin, cucumber, basil, lemon, celery bitters, and tonic. Looks innocent. Isn't.

TACTIC METER███░░
stalling on the ropes$14

Clinch Work

Vodka, ginger beer, lime, pickle brine, and cracked pepper. Refuses to let go.

TACTIC METER███░░
three-count finish$16

The .357 Special

Bourbon, ginger liqueur, lemon, Maine honey, black cherry, and aromatic bitters.

TACTIC METER█████
won't let go$15

The Headlock Rim

Patrón Silver, pineapple, fresh lime, agave, and a chili-salt rim.

TACTIC METER████░house lock
illegal elevation$16

Choking Neck Lift

Mezcal, pineapple, ginger, lime, chili, and smoked salt. Served at normal table height.

TACTIC METER█████
textile misconduct$14

Underwear Wedgie

Coconut rum, strawberry, pineapple, lime, and vanilla. Dignity sold separately.

TACTIC METER███░░cheap fabric
sudden restraint$15

Headlock Shock

Patrón Silver, ginger liqueur, pineapple, lime, and aromatic bitters.

TACTIC METER████░

One-and-done · no replay review

Cheap Shots

Tiny glasses. Enormous allegations.
unannounced$8

Sucker Punch

Vodka, cranberry, lime, and chili. Arrives while you are looking the other way.

TACTIC METER███░░
strictly illegal-ish$8

Rabbit Punch

Irish whiskey, coffee liqueur, and cold brew. Not sanctioned by rabbits.

TACTIC METER████░
foreign object$9

The Chair Shot

Apple brandy, cinnamon whiskey, and ginger. Served in glass, not furniture.

TACTIC METER█████
hydration recommended$8

Kidney Shot

Dark rum, espresso, demerara, and orange oil.

TACTIC METER████░
three-hit combination$18

Spinning Backfist

A rotating flight of three bartender's-choice mini cocktails.

TACTIC METER█████
category 5 warning$18

Hurricane Shots

A three-shot storm system of aged rum, passion fruit, orange, lime, and grenadine.

TACTIC METER█████storm flight

Beer-and-shot tag teams

Two-on-One

One distracts the palate. The other runs in from backstage.
ringside distraction$13

Manager Interference

Local IPA with a reposado-tequila partner.

TACTIC METER████░
found under the bar$13

The Foreign Object

Dry stout with a cold-brew whiskey shot.

TACTIC METER████░
numbers advantage$12

Double Team

Maine cider with cinnamon whiskey.

TACTIC METER███░░
late arrival$12

The Run-In

Crisp lager with a surprise rye shot.

TACTIC METER███░░

Stable trouble · long-shot cocktails

Horseplay

Six unsaddled contenders that refused to stay behind the velvet rope.
unexpected contender$15

The Dark Horse

Dark rum, blackberry, lemon, sage, demerara, and aromatic bitters.

TACTIC METER████░
personal foul$16

Horse Collar

Bourbon, apple brandy, Maine maple, ginger, and fresh lemon.

TACTIC METER█████
rear-leg offense$14

Mule Kick

Kentucky bourbon, ginger beer, lime, and aromatic bitters.

TACTIC METER████░
elevated attitude$16

The High Horse

Gin, elderflower, pear, lemon, and sparkling wine.

TACTIC METER███░░
same move, every time$15

One-Trick Pony

Mezcal, grapefruit, lime, jalapeño, agave, and smoked salt.

TACTIC METER████░smoky heat
too close to call$15

Photo Finish

Vodka, cranberry, peach, lemon, and sparkling rosé.

TACTIC METER███░░

Sound and fury · theatrical impacts

Concussive Blasts

Explosive names, ordinary responsible pours. Not for anyone with an actual head injury.
temporary disorientation$15

Flashbang Fizz

Gin, white grapefruit, lemon, elderflower, tonic, and a bright citrus flash.

TACTIC METER████░high visibility
full-room ripple$15

Shockwave

Aged rum, passion fruit, lime, ginger, and aromatic bitters.

TACTIC METER████░
wide-area flavor$16

Blast Radius

Mezcal, blood orange, lime, chili, agave, and a smoked-salt rim.

TACTIC METER█████smoke zone
breaks the flavor barrier$14

Sonic Boom

Blanco tequila, blue orange liqueur, pineapple, lime, and soda.

TACTIC METER███░░
delayed reaction$16

The Aftershock

Bourbon, espresso, dark amaro, chocolate bitters, and orange oil.

TACTIC METER█████
precision collapse$16

Controlled Demolition

Rye whiskey, cherry, lemon, brown sugar, amaro, and walnut bitters.

TACTIC METER████░
opening bell repeats$14

Ringing Bell

Vodka, pear, lemon, ginger, and sparkling wine.

TACTIC METER███░░
responsible stoppage$9

Concussion Protocol

Zero-proof: coconut water, pineapple, lime, ginger, honey, and a pinch of sea salt.

TACTIC METERCLEANzero proof

Zero-proof · corner recovery

Clean Break

All spectacle, no alcohol. The commission finally approves.
restores order$9

The Referee

Blackberry, lemon, mint, honey, and soda.

TACTIC METERCLEAN
mandatory timeout$8

Neutral Corner

Pineapple, lime, ginger, jalapeño, and tonic.

TACTIC METERCLEAN
responsible stoppage$8

Throw in the Towel

Cucumber, watermelon, basil, lime, and sparkling water.

TACTIC METERCLEAN
back on your feet$9

Standing Eight

Cold brew, maple, oat milk, cinnamon, and orange.

TACTIC METERCLEAN
Know when to tap out.

Draft concept only. Final recipes, pricing, availability, and allergen information must be confirmed by the venue. Please drink responsibly.

THE COMMISSION HAS LEFT THE BUILDING
EXHIBIT
★

Submitted + satirical testimony

Witness
statements.

Seven statements entered. One was supplied by the site creator. Six came from the satire department. The jury remains fictional.

CASE FILEQTR-001
“I challenged The Quarry Tap Out to five rounds. I made it through two and requested a box.”
A. Hungry ContenderBout stopped by leftovers
5 / 5 fictional bruises
CASE FILEQTR-017
“The fries entered the altercation without warning. I regret nothing and would absolutely fail to cooperate again.”
Pat T. DownRepeat customer · first-time witness
5 / 5 fictional bruises
CASE FILEQTR-122
“I ordered Pocket Sand. My vision remained fine. My judgment became extremely conversational.”
D. CisionStatement taken near last call
4.9 / 5 fictional bruises
CASE FILEQTR-357
“The Door Unit looked at my outside snack. The snack apologized and left on its own.”
Anonymous BurritoIdentity protected for obvious reasons
5 / 5 fictional bruises
CASE FILEQTR-CAM4
“Cameras don't lie. They did, however, catch me throwing in the towel after the second patty.”
R. E. PlayFootage reviewed · dignity redacted
5 / 5 fictional bruises
CASE FILEQTR-HORSE
“The Dark Horse came from behind, the Mule Kick finished the job, and the bartender called a responsible stoppage.”
Stable WitnessNo horses were consulted
4.8 / 5 fictional bruises
REVIEW SOURCE NOTICE

All quotations and reviewers in this section were invented for satire.

★★★★★VERIFY BEFORE PUBLISHING
QTR
∞

No pay-per-view required

Every table is
cage-side.

Bring your crew. Pick your corner. Order enough napkins.

Back to the opening bell ↑